Tommy Cooper

Tommy Cooper (March 19, 1921 – April 15, 1984) was a British comedian and magician born in Caerphilly, Wales.

Quotes

Very few - if any - of the following lines attributed to Cooper are actually his. Most are from a modern English stand-up, Tim Vine, whose one-liner style is very similar to Cooper's. Still, they're worth repeating...

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• Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
• Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
• "Doc, I can't stop singing "The green green grass of home"." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
• A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
• Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start"
• "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
• Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
• So I went to the dentist. He said "Say "Aaah"." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
• So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
• So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."
• So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I wanna skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."
• So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road."
• Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
• So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
• Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
• Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare, the cabby sat there waiting for his tip. Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink on me."
• A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know, I've been ill"
• A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said "Well don't go there any more."
• I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
• You know those mange-tout? They're really nice, but I couldn't eat a whole one.
• My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed?
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
• I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."