The Hebrew Hammer

The Hebrew Hammer is a film that was released in 2003. It stars Adam Goldberg, Judy Greer, Andy Dick, Mario Van Peebles, and Peter Coyote. The plot concerns a Jewish superhero known as The Hebrew Hammer who must save Hanukkah from an evil Santa Claus who wants to destroy Hanukkah and make everyone celebrate Christmas. The film is set up as a parody of blaxploitation films (Melvin Van Peebles even appears in it, as "Sweetback"). Director Jonathan Kesselman has jokingly dubbed it the first "Jewsploitation" or Jewish exploitation film ever.

Synopsis

The movie begins with a flashback to a young Mordechai Jefferson Carver, who will grow up to become the Hebrew Hammer. At school, Mordechai is tormented by his fellow students and his teacher for being the only child to celebrate Hanukkah while everyone else is celebrating Christmas. After school, Mordechai walks down the street, only to see signs in all the store windows saying that Jews aren't welcome. Depressed, he lies down on the sidewalk, and spins his dreidel to cheer himself up...only to have it crushed under the foot of a mocking Santa who gives Mordechai the finger. Mordechai can do nothing but glare furiously at Santa as he walks away.

Related Topics:
Dreidel - The finger

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The scene then changes to Mordechai as an adult. He is now the Hebrew Hammer, a Certified Circumcised Dick who has dedicated his life to defending Jews. His snappy dress (a cross between the clothes of a pimp and a Orthodox Jew) and tough-guy demeanor have made him a hero to Jews everywhere.

Related Topics:
Circumcised - Pimp - Orthodox Jew

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But all is not well: trouble is brewing at the North Pole. Santa has just been murdered by his evil son Damian, who wants to do away with his father's tolerance for other religions and make Christmas the only holiday celebrated in December. Alarmed, an elite group of Jews calls a meeting of the Jewish Justice League, led by Chief Bloomenbergansteinenthal, who resembles Moshe Dayan. They argue about who should be sent to take on Damian, but are unable to agree until the Chief's daughter, Esther Bloomenbergansteinenthal, suggests the Hebrew Hammer. The Chief is initially reluctant to send the Hebrew Hammer (the one Jew banned from the J.J.L. for being too aggressive), but is eventually persuaded by Esther.

Related Topics:
North Pole - Justice League - Moshe Dayan

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Esther goes to see Mordechai, but he is initially reluctant to help the J.J.L. Esther refuses to leave his side until he promises to help, and thus ends up accompanying Mordechai to Shabbat dinner at his mother's house. Agreeing to cooperate, the two women conspire to persuade Mordechai to help the J.J.L., but in such a way that he believes that he has thought of the idea himself.

Related Topics:
Shabbat - Mother

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Mordechai's first stop after meeting with the Chief is to go to the headquarters of the KLF (Kwanzaa Liberation Front). He meets with the leader of the KLF, Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahiem, a friend of his. Mohammed takes Mordechai to question a former elf of Santa's named Jamal who lost his job when Damian took over. Unbeknowst to Mordechai, Jamal is really a double agent who is working for Damian. Jamal's clues lead Mordechai to a neo-Nazi bar, but Mordechai foils Damian's plan by single-handedly defeating the skinheads.

Related Topics:
Kwanzaa - Neo-Nazi - Skinheads

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Damian is not sitting idle, however: with the help of his sidekick and lover (a grown-up Tiny Tim), he has put the next phase of his evil plan in motion, which involves distributing bootleg copies of It's A Wonderful Life to Jewish children to make them want to celebrate Christmas. Discovering this scheme, Mordechai counterattacks by exposing the Jewish children to all the Hollywood films that portray Jews in a positive light (namely Fiddler on the Roof, Yentl, and Chaim Potok's The Chosen).

Related Topics:
Tiny Tim - It's A Wonderful Life - Fiddler on the Roof - Yentl - Chaim Potok - The Chosen

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Learning that Damian is appearing at a local K-Mart, Mordechai and Esther go there to confront him, disguised as a Gentile couple. Although they successfully catch Damian, he is able to turn the tables, and they are forced to flee, chased by an angry mob of children who are convinced that they want to cancel Christmas for everyone. With some help from the Underground Jewish Railroad, they are able to make their escape.

Related Topics:
K-Mart - Gentile

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Returning to Mordechai's apartment, he and Esther act on their mutual attraction and make love. Things go awry in the morning, however, when Mordechai learns that Esther and his mother collaborated to persuade him to work with the J.J.L., which he misinterprets to mean that his mother told Esther to sleep with him. Before they can resolve their argument, they get an urgent call from the Chief telling them to return to J.J.L. headquarters.

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At headquarters, they watch a video broadcast from Damian and Tim in which they announce their plan to drain the energy from the Jewish Atomic Clock in Jerusalem. Mordechai goes off by himself to save the clock, but is secretly followed by Esther. The two of them are reunited at the clock, but before they can defeat Damian, Shabbat begins, and they must rest. While they are resting, Damian kidnaps Esther, and orders Tim to kill Mordechai. Just as Tim is about to kill Mordechai, though, he is stopped by the Kwanzaa Liberation Front.

Related Topics:
Atomic Clock - Jerusalem - Shabbat

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Together, Mordechai and Mohammed lead an assault on the North Pole to save Esther and stop Damian once and for all. By using Judaism's ultimate weapon (complaining and guilt), Mordechai is able to defeat Damian and save Esther. He then proposes to Esther, who gladly accepts.

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The movie ends at the house of Mordechai's mother, where Mordechai and Esther are having dinner. As they dine, they see Santa's sleigh in the air, driven by Jamal, the new Santa Claus.

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