The Aristocrats

:For the 1970 Disney animated film, see The Aristocats.

The joke

Three parts

This joke almost always has these elements—alternate versions may change this form, but these versions tend to assume that the audience is already familiar with the joke:

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The setup: The joke always begins with a "family act" going in to see a talent agent.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:*Those who meet the agent can include the whole family, or just one family member (usually the father).

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:*The agent asks (sometimes after saying that he's not interested, and a plea from the father) what they do.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:*If the whole family is present, the act may be performed for the agent, rather than described.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The act: It is described in as much length as the teller prefers.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:*By tradition, the description is crude, tasteless, ribald, and often scatological.

Related Topics:
Ribald - Scatological

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:*While most tellings follow one of a few basic forms, the description of the act is meant to be an ad lib.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:*It should be as far beyond the boundaries of propriety as the comedian can muster. Incest, pedophilia, and bestiality are common themes.

Related Topics:
Propriety - Incest - Pedophilia - Bestiality

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The punchline: The agent asks what this act is called, and the answer is always the same: "The Aristocrats!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:*The punchline may be modified in some variants, but generally such variants are told only in a context where the original joke would be known.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:*Because the sense of what an aristocrat is has faded in many countries, the final line may simply be seen as the end of a rather bawdy joke rather than a punchline.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

An example

This version of the joke is fairly short, and simply demonstrates the form. Actual performances of the joke can last minutes, and it is suggested that Chevy Chase used to hold parties at which the goal was to tell the joke for a half hour.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:A man walks into a talent agent's office, and says, "We're a family act, and we'd like you to represent us."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too old-fashioned."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:The man says, "But, this is really special."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:The agent says, "Okay, well what's the act?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:He replies, "Well, my wife and I come out on stage and she begins to sing the Star Spangled Banner while I take her roughly from behind. After a minute of this, my son and daughter come out and begin to do the same, but she's singing the original To Anacreon in Heaven lyrics while my son performs anal sex on her."

Related Topics:
Star Spangled Banner - To Anacreon in Heaven - Anal sex

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:The agent looks uncomfortable, but the man continues, "Just when my daughter hits the highest note in the song, my son and I switch partners. He turns my wife around and gives her a Dirty Sanchez before having her perform oral sex on him. When the song's over and we're both getting close, we all stop and lay down on the stage."

Related Topics:
Dirty Sanchez - Oral sex

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:The man smiles fondly as he recalls, "This is the best part, our dog then comes out on the stage, and he's trained to lick each one of us to orgasm in turn. He just goes right down the line, looking as happy as can be! We all get up and take a bow."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:He looks at the agent and says, "Well, that's the act. What do you think?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

:And the father says, "The Aristocrats."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~