Steven Wright

Steven Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American actor, writer, and stand-up comedian from Burlington, Massachusetts. He is known for his slow, deadpan, monotone delivery of ironic, witty, and sometimes confusing jokes and one-liners.

Steven Wright One-Liners

• "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
• "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
• "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
• "It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
• "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
• "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
• "One day I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
• "I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
• "When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
• "What's another word for thesaurus?"
• "I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself."
• "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
• "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
• "I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
• "If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
• "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone."
• "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
• "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work."
• "Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
• "I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
• "I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"
• "I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger."
• "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
• "We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child. Eventually."
• "Why's the alphabet in that order? Is it 'cause of that song?"
• "I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose."
• "I was out walking my dog yesterday. On the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths".
• "My friend works in radio. When we go under a bridge, I can't hear him."
• "I came home to my apartment and found that everything had been replaced with an exact replica. I called my friend over and said 'Can you believe this? Everything's been replaced with an exact replica!' He said, 'Do I know you?'"
• "I was being interviewed for a job. During the interview, I started to read a magazine. The interviewer asked, 'What are you doing???' I said, 'Let me ask you a question. If I was driving at the speed of light, and turned the headlights on, would anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said to him, 'I don't think I want to work for your company.'"
• "I went to a convenience store the other night. It had a sign reading, 'Open 24 Hours'. The manager was locking the place up. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours!' He said, 'Yeah, but not in a row."
• "I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it."
• "I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke."

Selected filmography

• Desperately Seeking Susan, (1985) Larry Stillman D.D.S.
• Reservoir Dogs, (1992) (voice only) as "K-Billy DJ"
• So I Married an Axe Murderer, (1993) as "Pilot"
• Natural Born Killers, (1994) as "Dr. Emil Reingold"
• Canadian Bacon, (1995) as Canadian Mounted Police Officer
• Half Baked (1998) as "The Guy on the Couch" (uncredited)
• Coffee and Cigarettes (2003) as "Steven"