Private Eye

Private Eye is a fortnightly British satirical magazine-newspaper. It is currently edited by Ian Hislop.

Sections

The magazine currently includes several regular sections:

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• The cover, with its famous speech bubble, putting ironic or humorous comments into the mouths of the famous in response to topical events.
• News (previously called The Colour Section) – effectively the stories the magazine is most proud of that week or thinks most important, placed at its front.
• Street of Shame – covering journalism, newspapers and other press/publishing stories. The term "Street of Shame" refers to Fleet Street. Usually largely written by Francis Wheen.
• Hackwatch – highlighting the recent writing of a journalist or newspaper, to highlight ironic inconsistencies or general poor quality.
• HP Sauce – covering politics and politicians. ("HP" refers to Houses of Parliament, as well as being an actual brand of sauce.)
• Down On The Farm – agricultural issues.
• Down On The Fishfarm – issues relating to fish-farming.
• Ad Nauseam – the excesses and faux-pas of the advertising industry.
• Court Circular – gossip supposedly from those working within royal family circles.
• Eye TV – analysis of television programmes and news/criticism of the UK television industry.
• Doing The Rounds – medical news and coverage of the National Health Service, written by the consultant (and sometime comedian) Dr Phil Hammond.
• Rotten Boroughs – highlighting local council activities. Written by a number of reporters, each covering different regional 'beats' and edited by Tim Minogue (none of whom are credited)
• Signal Failures – covering railway issues. The author name "Dr B. Ching" refers to the Beeching Axe, a report that led to widespread cuts to the British railway network in the 1960s.
• High Principals – examining further and higher education issues.
• Under The Microscope – looking at issues related to the scientific field.
• Nooks & Corners – architectural criticism. This is one of the magazine's most famous sections. It was originally titled Nooks & Corners of the New Barbarism, a reference to the architectural movement known as New Brutalism. The column was founded by John Betjeman, and is currently written by architectural historian Gavin Stamp using the name "Piloti".
• Letters – readers' letters section which frequently includes letters from the famous and powerful, often so that the Eye can print an apology and thereby avoid litigation. Some people use the page as a voice to express disgust at a recent Eye article and, infamously (or jokingly), end by saying they will cancel their subscription. This section also prints the lookalikes and occasionally prints the embarrassing picture of Andrew Neil described below.
• Funny Old World – supposedly genuine news stories from around the world; compiled by Victor Lewis-Smith.
• Letter From... – brief column written by a native person of a particular country highlighting the political or social situation there.
• Prime Minister parodies – a full page lampooning the prime minister of the day. The style of the page is always the same, and tries to sum up some fundamental characteristic of the person involved. Occasionally, formerly defunct columns of this type resurface (e.g. Dear Bill, on the death of Denis Thatcher). In reverse historical order:
• St. Albion Parish News – the main focus of the magazine's satire against Tony Blair, who is characterised as a sanctimonious Church of England vicar and his government as various parish officials. Blair often receives updates from his trans-Atlantic confidante, George Bush, from the "Church of the Latter-Day Morons".
• The Secret Diary of John Major (aged 47¾) (defunct) – A spoof weekly diary entry based on The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole (aged 13¾) in which John Major was typically characterised as being hopelessly naïve and optimistic. The diary has recently reappeared: first when his affair with Edwina Currie was discovered, and more recently when Major was made a KG and after he attended the funeral of Edward Heath.
• Dear Bill (defunct) – spoof letters from Denis Thatcher to Bill Deedes, about life in 10 Downing Street with Margaret. The series portrayed Dennis as a sozzled alcoholic staggering between snifters.
• (There was no parody aimed at James Callaghan)
• Heathco Newsletter (defunct) – an internal missive purportedly from the managing director of a struggling small firm called Heathco, in which Edward Heath (managing director) keeps his staff up to date and in high spirits with the latest company news. Cabinet ministers would be recast as petty managers and clerks in this satire. The company's logo was a stylised yacht.
• Mrs Wilson's Diary (defunct) – a chronicle of the events in Harold Wilson's life, from the more down-to-earth and homely perspective of his wife, Mrs Wilson. The series was later adapted to theatre and television. Based on a contemporary radio soap opera Mrs Dale's Diary.

Some other defunct sections of the magazine:

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• Auberon Waugh's Diary; Waugh wrote a regular diary for the magazine, usually combining real events from his own life with fictional flights of fancy (i.e. pretending he had been to parties with the Queen), from the early 1970s until 1985. It was generally written in the persona of an ultra-right-wing country gentleman, a subtle exaggeration of his own personality. He described it as the world's first example of journalism specifically dedicated to telling lies.
• Illustrated London News – a digest of news and scandal from the metropolis, parodying (and using the masthead of) the defunct gazette of the same name. Usually written by the radical pioneer journalist Claud Cockburn. Later replaced (c.1984) with -
• London Calling – a roundup of news, especially of the most barking loony left variety, during the days of the GLC. This column was retired with the abolition of the GLC and no manifestation of it has returned, despite the election of former GLC head Ken Livingstone as mayor of London.
• Sally Deedes – genuine consumer journalism column, often exposing spectacularly corrupt or improper goods, services and/or dealings. Sally Deedes (author unknown) was the origin of the Eyes first-ever libel victory in the mid-1990s (!) http://www.kingstonsmith.co.uk/06_March_02_Private_Eye_Lessons.asp, which may be why the column was quietly ditched a few years later.
• Grovel – a 'society' column, featuring gossip, scandal and scuttlebutt about the rich and famous, and probably the most-sued section in the whole magazine. The character and style of Grovel (a clearly tired and emotional man with a monocle, top hat and cigarette holder) was based on former GLE (Greatest Living Englishman), Nigel Pratt-Dumpster. Grovel was phased out in about 1996, and replaced with –
• Hallo! – the 'heartwarming column' purportedly written by The Marquesa, practically identical in content but with a new prose style parodying the breathless and gushing format established by magazines such as Hello, in which celebrities showed reporters around their lovely houses, etc. Hallo! itself disappeared in about 2000.
• Newspaper parodies – the latter half of the magazine is taken up with parodies of newspapers; the layout and style of writing mirrors newspapers, which serve as vehicles for parody and satire of current events, plus spoof adverts. Where further content is implied, but omitted, this is said to continue on page 94.
• Glenda Slagg – brash, libidinous and self-contradictory female reporter based on the journalist Jean Rook.
• Sally Jockstrap – a fictional sports columnist who is incapable of correctly reporting any sporting facts.
• Dave Spart – ultra-left wing activist (always of a ridiculous-sounding collective or magazine, frequently based in Neasden) who is given free rein to express his views. These always begin 'Once again ...', before attempting to lambaste the subject of his anger for allegedly constant misconduct, prejudice or, er, general wrongdoing. This very rarely gets further than a few words before it breaks down into a fragmented litany of 'sickening ... totally sickening ... worse than Hitler ..." and so on, before being abruptly curtailed by the inevitable "continued on page 94".
• Poetry Corner – trite obituaries of the recently deceased in the form of poems from the fictional teenage poet E.J. Thribb. The poems (nearly) always begin "So / Farewell then".
• A Doctor Writes – the fictional "A. Doctor" or "Dr Thomas Utterfraud" parodies newspaper articles on topical medical conditions, particularly those by Dr Thomas Stuttaford.
• Polly Filler – a stunningly vapid and self-centred female "lifestyle" columnist, whose irrelevant personal escapades and gossip serve solely to cover column inches. Her name is derived from Polyfilla, a DIY product used to fill holes and cracks in plaster. Polly's sister Penny Dreadful makes an occasional appearance.
• Toy-town News or Nursery Times – a newspaper based on the mythology of children's stories. For example, Paul Burrell was satirised as the "Knave of Hearts" who was "lent" tarts "for safe keeping", rather than stealing them as in the rhyme. Nigel Dempster is referred to as "Humpty Dumpster".
• Ye Daily Tudorgraph – a newspaper written in mock-Tudor language, set in that time-period. It usually suggests Bill Deedes was a young boy at the time.
• The Has-Beano – a pastiche of the Beano children's comic, used to satirise The Spectator and Boris Johnson (who features as the lead character, Boris the Menace).
• Obvious headline – the trite and banal stories about celebrities' antics that receive extensive reporting in the national press are often rewritten as an anonymous headline, such as "SHOCK NEWS: MAN HAS SEX WITH SECRETARY". This is usually "EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS".
• Official Apology or Product Recall – spoofs the official apologies and product recall notices that newspapers are mandated to print. For example, a product recall of the English national football team, a very faulty product.
• Gnomemart – the Christmas special edition of Private Eye includes a double page of spoof adverts for useless mail-order gadgets, usually endorsed by topical celebrities or capable of playing topical songs or TV theme tunes.
• Diary – a diary written in the style of the chosen celebrity (written by Craig Brown).
• Literary Review – analysis and criticism of books as well as the publishing industry.
• Pseuds Corner – quotations from the media in which the pompous and pretentious point themselves out (based on reader submissions, which are rewarded with "the usual tenner"). Now usually includes a sub-section – Pseuds Corporate.
• In The Back – in-depth investigative journalism, often taking the side of the downtrodden. This section was until 2004 overseen by Paul Foot and is seen by many as the strongest element within the magazine. It often features stories on potential miscarriages of justice and stories on other embarrassing establishment misdeeds. It was known as Footnotes until 1999, when Paul Foot suffered an aortic aneurysm and had to spend six months in hospital.
• In The City – analysis of financial and city affairs and people.
• Crossword – a cryptic prize crossword, notable for its vulgarity, composed by 'Cyclops'.
• Classified – adverts from readers. Years ago people with odd sexual tastes would make contact with others via personal ads, using code words (using the names of motor cycles to describe various sexual acts, for example). However, nowadays it's usually more a case of people flogging wine or websites, or conspiracy theorists promoting their ideas, because sexual deviants have taken to using the Internet instead. Includes the "Eye Need" adverts in which people beg for money and sometimes, it's claimed, have their prayers answered by wealthy readers. Spike Milligan once placed an ad that ran: "Spike Milligan would like to meet a rich, well-insured widow – intention: murder" and reported receiving several dozen replies.