Private Eye

Private Eye is a fortnightly British satirical magazine-newspaper. It is currently edited by Ian Hislop.

Examples of humour

The magazine has a number of running in jokes, often accessible only to those who have read the magazine for many years:

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• The phrase "Ugandan relations" (or "Ugandan discussions" or "Ugandan affairs"), for example, is a Private Eye euphemism for illicit sex, usually while carrying out a supposedly official duty. According to the Dictionary of Contemporary Slang by Tony Thorne the phrase is "said to stem from a party at which a female journalist was alleged to have explained an upstairs sexual encounter by saying 'We were discussing Uganda.' (Idi Amin's regime was in the news at the time.)" In 1996, 'Getting Back to Basics' was suggested as a replacement euphemism after the disastrous policy of the same name adopted by John Major's government.
• Queen Elizabeth II is always referred to as "Brenda", and Prince Charles as "Brian". This is a result of the 1969 BBC documentary Royal Family, after which the magazine gave each member of the Royal Family working class nicknames, as though they were characters in a soap opera. Prince Philip is "Keith", the late Princess Margaret was "Yvonne", and the late Princess Diana was dubbed "Cheryl".
• (Shome mishtake, shurely? Ed) is a frequent comment supposedly scribbled into the copy by the editor and mistakenly printed as part of the article. The slurred 's'-sounds have been interpreted as representing drunkenness; however, they accurately reproduce the distinctive speech patterns of Shir William Deedesh, former editor of The Daily Telegraph (and the eponymoush 'Bill' of the Dear Bill lettersh). Deedes was notable as an editor for his complete lack of awareness of contemporary slag (shurely 'slang'? Ed), culture and mores. Other stock comments from the Ed include:
• We've just had this
• Who he?
• Oh no you don't
• What that?
• Excellent stuff, keep going
• That's enough (where is the subject or person under discussion)
• You're fired
• "Tired and emotional" was a phrase used to describe 1960s Labour party Cabinet Minister George Brown, who had a drink problem. It first appeared in a 'fake' memo printed by the Eye supposedly informing civil servants how to describe Mr Brown's conduct and state of mind. The phrase – one of many that journalists use to avoid libel actions, due to the near-impossibility of proving intoxication without forensic evidence – has now entered common parlance.
• Mohamed Al-Fayed is routinely referred to as "The Phoney Pharaoh" and much jest is made of his mispronunciation of the word "fuck" as "fugg".
• Prime minister Sir Alec Douglas-Home was referred to as 'Baillie Vass' after Scottish newspaper The Aberdeen Evening Express accidentally used a photograph of Home to illustrate a June 1964 story about a Scottish Baillie named Vass. Private Eye thereafter affected to believe that 'Home' had been unmasked as an impostor, a position it maintained until Home's death in 1995.
• On May Day 1965, the magazine held a "Mass for Vass" rally in Central London. Some 300 marchers under police supervision carried banners proclaiming "High-Speed Vass Gets Things Done", "The Baillie Will No Fail Ye", "Hands off the Rann of Kutch!" and (in reference to a former nickname, "Sir Alec Douglas-Who?") "Who's a Cretin?". The march processed from Parliament Square to Conservative Central Office, where, to the sound of a brass band, the participants sang rousing songs in 'support' of Home, to the occupants of the building from the street below. This incident went almost entirely unreported in the national media.
• Fictional quotations from the police are attributed to "Inspector Knacker of the Yard", a reference to knackers' yards, where old horses were sent to be turned into glue.
• People engaging in lawsuits (especially frivolous or pointless ones) are often said to be using the services of the law firm "Sue, Grabbitt and Runne".
• Letters to newspapers such as the Daily Telegraph, from elderly, out-of-touch and reactionary people, are parodied by missives purportedly from 'Sir Herbert Gussett'. Sir Herbert's address varies: in the early 1980s, for example, it was the alleged village of Lymeswold, but as often as not it is a made-up place claimed to be in Wiltshire. Or Dorset. Or Oxfordshire. Sometimes the name of the place reflects the content of the letter; for example, when writing on cricket (as he often does) he may live in the Dorset village of Arlott St John, a reference to John Arlott. On many occasions, he will write from the saloon bar of the Lamb and Flag public house (which has a real-life counterpart in Oxford). It was once a popular joke among holidaying readers to send letters to English-language newspapers in their host country, which were allegedly from Sir Herbert Gussett. These would typically bemoan or praise the country in relation to a recent visit allegedly made by Sir Herbert. The culprit(s) would await publication, clip the printed letter, and send it straight to Private Eye, which usually printed them for 'the usual fiver'. This practice has died out somewhat in recent years.
• Old-fashioned Tory MPs are generally represented by the character of Sir Bufton Tufton, an old fashioned Tory MP. Sir Bufton's constituency varies (but it has been known to be Lymeswold on several occasions) but his greediness, laziness, bigotry and incompetence remain constant. He has only been pictured once, and the photo (of a real-life Tory MP) drew an immediate letter from the innocent victim.
• Capita – (a company allegedly responsible for delaying the start of the academic year 2002-3 at some schools by incompetent handling of the Criminal Records Bureau which was responsible for vetting teachers for convictions for child abuse and other offences) is frequently called "Crapita".
• Serious Fraud Office is often the Serious Farce Office.
• Department of Trade and Industry is often the "Department of Timidity and Inaction" for obvious reasons.
• The magazine itself is frequently referred to as an "organ", providing endless possibilities for sexual innuendo.
• A former editor of The Sunday Telegraph, Sir Peregrine Worsthorne, is consistently referred to as 'Sir Perishing Worthless'.
• The conservative polemicist Paul Johnson, once a regular target of deputy editor Francis Wheen, used to be persistently referred to as "loonybins".
• Grapefruit segments – once an infuriatingly-pervasive and out-of-place component of lists (such as features on new cars, etc), now seldom seen.
• The Sizzler – an alleged fried breakfast for sale at extortionate prices on any train journey mentioned. At the first mention of The Sizzler, the article in which it appeared would be sidelined into a recital of the glories and deliciousness of said item.
• (Takes out onion) – a stage-direction used when someone is allegedly faking sorrow (usually used to denote hypocrisy).
• The late Lord Clark, father of the late Alan Clark, was referred to as 'Lord Clark of Civilisation' after it became known that Mary Wilson, wife of Harold, had urged that Clark receive a peerage for his TV documentary series 'Civilisation'. 'Quotes' from Clark still appear in the Eye, often beginning with the rhetorical catchphrase question: "What could be more agreeable than ..?"

The magazine has developed nicknames for most of Britain's leading newspapers:

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• The Guardian is inevitably The Grauniad (for its reputation for typos). After a rebrand where the paper's logotype became lowercase, this became the grauniad (minus caps).
• The Telegraph is either The Torygraph (for its support for the Conservative Party), The Hurleygraph (for regularly printing photos of Elizabeth Hurley on its front page), The Hello!graph (for an appearance of celebrity obsession) or, as discussed below The Telavivagraph.
• The Daily Express was called the Titsbychristmas in 1978; afterward it became the Daily Getsworse or the Daily Getsmuchworse, but more recently the Daily Sexpress (its owner, Richard 'Dirty' Desmond, also owns or owned several pornographic magazines).
• The Independent was described as the Indescribablyboring while its sister paper, The Independent on Sunday, is known as the Sindie.
• The News of the World is known as The Screws of the World, The News of the Screws, or simply The Screws.
• The Daily Mail is usually spoofed for an obsession with property prices e.g. the impact of Prince Harry dressing as a Nazi on property prices in London.
• The Daily Mirror is known as The Moron. This was more amusing before Piers "Moron" Morgan (or, as the Eye often puts it, Piers "Morgan" Moron) was sacked as its editor.

Running jokes in the magazine include such staples as St Cake's School, whose newsletters feature extraordinary and unlikely results and prizes. The notoriously underperforming football club Neasden F.C. is another favourite, run by "ashen faced supremo" Ron Knee and with constant mention of the team's devoted fans, Sid and Doris Bonkers. The club's latest misfortunes curiously echo, in a bathetic manner, the tribulations of major clubs in the national news.

Related Topics:
St Cake's School - Football - Neasden F.C. - Ron Knee - Bathetic

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Neasden is also the setting for various other items and is often given as the origin of fictional letters. The magazine was initially printed in Neasden before being turned away by the printers, which might explain the origins of this joke, although in 1971, Richard Ingrams said simply that Neasden was used "to denote the contemporary urban environment".

Related Topics:
Neasden - 1971 - Richard Ingrams

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Lord Gnome is purported to be the proprietor of the magazine and was originally modelled on an amalgam of newspaper magnates including Lord Beaverbrook and Roy Thomson. As the likes of Rupert Murdoch emerged, Gnome accumulated other characteristics as time progressed.

Related Topics:
Lord Gnome - Lord Beaverbrook - Roy Thomson - Rupert Murdoch

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Bulleted lists are usually shorter than stated and include two final entries of "Er..." and "That's it." The number 94 is used as a generic boringly large number, e.g. "the awards ceremony, in its 94th year" or a spoof newspaper cover story being cut off mid-sentence with "(continued page 94)"

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In the early 1970s its crossword was set by the Labour MP Tom Driberg, under the pseudonym of "Tiresias" (supposedly "a distinguished academic churchman"). It is currently set by Eddie James under the name "Cyclops". The crossword is frequently pornographic and, by all measures, usually intensely offensive.

Related Topics:
1970 - Crossword - Labour - MP - Tom Driberg - Pseudonym - Tiresias - Cyclops

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A photograph of journalist, broadcaster and publisher Andrew Neil (nickname: "Brillo Pad") ran over several consecutive editions and still surfaces periodically on the flimsiest of excuses. It shows Neil dressed in a vest and baseball cap embracing an attractive young Asian woman previously assumed to be Pamella Bordes, a former beauty queen with whom he had had a relationship. The photograph is apparently of an American woman Neil was briefly involved with while in the United States.http://www.bjr.org.uk/data/2005/no2_riddell.htm It was not intended for the photograph to become a running gag, but it became so after it became known that Neil found it embarrassing.

Related Topics:
Andrew Neil - Brillo Pad - Asian - Pamella Bordes - United States

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Phil Space is a fictional writer. He usually writes articles that are there mainly to fill space on the page, hence his name. The articles are rarely informative or useful and are often completely irrelevant.

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The director and satirist Jonathan Miller once described the Eyes editorial conference as like watching naked, anti-Semitic public schoolboys in a changing room, flicking wet towels at defenceless victims.

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Alongside jokes, the magazine frequently breaks news stories before any other outlet. It was the first outlet to name the Kray twins as the gang leaders terrorising the London underworld in the 1960s. This only occurred as the then editor Richard Ingrams was on holiday and proprietor Peter Cook covering for him saw it as too good an opportunity to miss.

Related Topics:
Kray twins - Richard Ingrams - Peter Cook

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