Polyamory

Polyamory is the practice or lifestyle of being part of more than one long-term, intimate, and (usually but not necessarily) sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. Persons who consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly.

Criticisms of polyamory

Religious objections

Most major religious denominations expect a person to choose one sexual or marital partner. Even those that allow non-monogamous relationships commonly limit this to one rigidly-defined form of marriage - most commonly polygyny. Religious leaders have said little on polyamory, but this is probably due to its low public profile compared to other relational/ethical issues such as homosexuality, and because polyamory is neither widely known nor widely identified as a distinct lifestyle.

Related Topics:
Polygyny - Homosexuality

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Division of love

One common criticism of polyamory is rooted in the belief that by dividing one's love among multiple partners, that love is lessened. This is a Malthusian argument, so called because it treats love as a commodity (like food or other resources) that can only be given to one person by taking it away from another.

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Polyamorists reject this view of love, arguing that love need not be lessened by division. A commonly-invoked argument is that a parent who has two children does not love either of them any less because of the existence of the other.

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Those who value monogamy often point to the strength and trust that can be built up within a long standing couple, who only are focused on each other and have no other partners.

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An intermediate viewpoint is that maintaining a loving relationship requires time and energy, and neither of these are infinite resources; hence, while it may be possible to love several people just as well as one, there is a point beyond which relationships do begin to suffer.

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Perceived failure rates

Polyamorous relationships are often criticised as "not lasting". It is hard to come by accurate numbers on the longevity of polyamorous relationships versus monogamous ones, so this is difficult to measure, for a variety of reasons.

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Like many groups with non-traditional relationships, polyamorists often do not publicize their relational status. Commonly, only the ones which fail in public become known. The participants' criteria for a "successful" relationship also do not always coincide with the usual expected "goal" set by conventional monogamy. Polyamory is far more fluid than traditional marriage, so polyamorous relationships change or end as those within them feel right. A relationship that enriches the lives of its participants will usually still be considered a "success" even as it comes to an end. Since this is part of the flow of polyamory, it can be done without the souring that accompanies the end of many marriages.

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Because sex and sexuality raise so many deep feelings in people, it is difficult for people to be non-biased in their casual assessment of the "success" of polyamorous relationships, with polyamorists and those opposed to polyamory each making assessments based on 'selective choice of evidence' (that supporting their view). For example, those who are not inclined towards such relationships may judge the type of relationship based on the failure of a particular instance of it, even if they do not judge the entire institution of marriage a failure simply because a particular couple got a divorce. Other criticisms may be based on observation of non-traditional relationships which lack the emphasis polyamory places on honesty, negotiation, and respect.

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With a lack of disciplined academic study in this area, there is simply no research comparing monogamous relationships with polyamorous ones, either in terms of longevity (as a measure for those relationships which do make a "life-long" commitment), or in terms of meeting the expectations of those participating. While a casual observer might see many polyamorous relationships ending, supporters of polyamory note that relatively few monogamous relationships are truly successful either, citing the divorce rate, the number of marriages which hold together in name only, and the number where partners are unhappy or cheat—and that few use these things as evidence that monogamy "isn't moral" or "practical".

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Inability/unwillingness to commit

Polyamory is sometimes seen as an inability, or unwillingness, to make a lasting commitment to one partner — especially a commitment to sexual exclusivity to one person for one's entire lifetime, as in traditional monogamous marriage.

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In fact, polyamorists commonly see themselves as making more commitments, much as a parent is committed to loving all their offspring. One expression used by polyamorists is "We are faithful to ALL our lovers".

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Counter-criticisms

Polyamorists' attitudes to monogamy vary widely. Many polyamorists consider polyamory a superior way of life to monogamy, sometimes describing polyamory as being "more evolved". Monogamous relationships are often characterised as being based on unthinking acceptance of societal or religious standards, or on possessiveness and jealousy. Some polyamorists believe that people who only have a single lover have less capacity for love than those who have more—a reversal of the 'division of love' criticism discussed above.

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However, many others view polyamory and monogamy as equally valid ways of life, with the best choice depending on the individual. While recognising that many monogamous relationships may be based on conformity or possessiveness, they do not see this as an intrinsic characteristic of monogamy any more than they see an inability to commit as an intrinsic characteristic of polyamory.

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