Comic Book Guy

Jeff Albertson (known as "Comic Book Guy" or CBG) is the proprietor of "The Android's Dungeon", a local comic book shop, in the animated series The Simpsons. Voiced by Hank Azaria, the fat, hirsute, surly character is known for his sarcastic quips to customers. He holds a master's degree in folklore and mythology (He translated Lord of the Rings into Klingon as part of his thesis). His catchphrase is the declaration "Worst. _____. ever.", which is usually delivered with slight pauses between each word, and an emphasis on the "ever." His other, but rarely used catchphrase is "Best. ____. ever." Both phrases (along with varations of the quotes) are very popular on Internet message boards. Comic Book Guy is said to be mocking of certain Simpsons fans who would race to the Internet to criticize the producers and writers of an episode and declare such episode to be the "Worst Episode Ever."

Quotes

• I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.
• I am interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my Token Ring Ethernet LAN configuration?
• Once again, my underwear has become entangled in a cowcatcher.
• Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point.
• (considering a "gag" disembodied hand) The gag I would give a D+. As for the workmanship on the hand... (Suddenly, the hand runs down CBG's back and gives him a wedgie) Ooh! That's not right! (Audience laughs) You mocking me? Oh, that is rich. (The hand wedgies him harder, tugging him right off the stage. He lands on a rack of wizard hats, two of which stick to his chest.) Stop your laughing! You're all banned! (Takes the hats off his chest) Banned, I tell you!
• Dating service clerk: (to Ned Flanders, referring to contact ad videos) And if you're desperate, there's always the "one night only" bin.
  Comic Book Guy: The bin is spoken for.
  Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
  Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.
• Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh.
• Homer: How much could you give me for this original Joe DiMaggio trading card? It's kinda old.
  Comic Book Guy: Well, for this card, I can only give you (gasps) EVERYTHING I HAVE! (empties the entire cash register on the counter and gives Homer the cash)
• Bart: Stan Lee came back?
  CBG: Stan Lee never left. I'm beginning to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.