Carnac the Magnificent

Carnac the Magnificent was a role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. He played a fortune-telling psychic with an elaborate headdress and a plethora of envelopes.

Related Topics:
Johnny Carson - The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson - Psychic

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Here are some of the many jokes from Carnac over the years:

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A: Gatorade.

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Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?

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A: Bible belt.

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Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?

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A: Milk and honey.

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Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

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A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.

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Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

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A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.

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Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

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A: Ben Gay.

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Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

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A: An unmarried woman.

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Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

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A: Disjoint.

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Q: What was dat hippie smoking?

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A: The Laughing Policeman.

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Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

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A: Dustin Hoffman.

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Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

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A: Until he gets caught.

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Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

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A: Old wives tale.

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Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

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A: Rub-a-dub-dub.

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Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

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A: Shareholder.

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Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

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A: Skalliwags.

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Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

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A: David Frost.

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Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?

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A: Head and shoulders.

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Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?

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A: Hickory Dickory Dock.

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Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

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A: Rose Bowl.

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Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?

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A: That darn cat.

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Q: Who ruined that darn rug?

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A: High rollers.

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Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.

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A: Gunga din.

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Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

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A: "Follow the yellow brick road."

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Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

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A: At both ends.

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Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?

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A: Igloo.

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Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

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A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.

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Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?

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A: Grape Nuts.

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Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

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A: Supervisor.

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Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

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A: Crabgrass.

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Q: What do crabs get high on?

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A: Shake-N-Bake.

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Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.

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A: Blazing Saddles.

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Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

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A: Flypaper.

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Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

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A: Deep freeze.

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Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.

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A: Bedbug.

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Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?

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A: Billy Graham, Virginia Graham and Lester Maddox.

Related Topics:
Billy Graham - Virginia Graham - Lester Maddox

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Q: Name two Grahams and a Cracker!

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A: Debate

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Q: What do you use to catch de fish?

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A: Frathouse

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Q: What do you call a Japanese home struck by a meteor?

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A: Green Acres

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Q: What does Kermit the Frog get when you kick him in the wrong place?

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