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Alt Text: A Wistful Geek Heads for Sweet iPhone Hell

I do not, as of yet, own an iPhone. However, soon my cellphone provider will be unlocking the door, shooing away the rats, taking off my shackles and releasing me from my contract. At that point I will be buying an iPhone. Not because it's a shiny new Jobs-job, not because several of my friends have it and keep waving it at me, but because I clearly need it. I require its functionality for such important business purposes as having an iPhone. Alt Text Podcast Download audio files and subscribe to the Alt Text podcast. In the past, technology has often taken me by surprise. I go over to a friend's house to see this new "TiVo" device they've got ("It's what? Like a VCR? I already have a VCR.") and before I know it, I'm refusing to watch television shows during their scheduled time slots just on principle. I find out about geocaching, pick up a GPS to give it a go, and in no time a stoic, computerized voice is telling me to drive through a 6-foot-wide alleyway on the way to San Diego's only In-N-Out Burger. This time, though, I'm not going to be taken by surprise. These are my last few weeks before I have an iPhone, and I'm going to make sure I cherish my ignorance. Right now, I can have a thought like, "I wonder who had a hit first, Chuck Berry or Little Richard?" and allow that question to wander around in my head. Maybe I'll remember it and look it up when I get the chance; maybe I'll just let it go. I suspect that this time next month I'll be pulling over to the side of the road -- I hope I'll pull over to the side of the road -- to get the answer immediately. Right now, my friends are not subjected to photos of every "witty" stop sign annotation I encounter. In fact, they can actually hang out with me with no fear of showing up in my Flickr stream with basil in their teeth. Right now, I do not post to Twitter every time I see a dachshund. While I long ago surrendered my right to stride the world undistracted by phone calls, right now I at least do not compulsively grab for my cellphone whenever someone friends me on Facebook. Right now, sometimes I have ideas for columns, and they slip my mind before I can write them down. I like to think they go to Idea Heaven, where they become a much better essay than they would have been if they had been brought to life by my mortal fingers. Once I have my iPhone, none will escape. Right now, I am capable of referring to my cellphone without actually telling people what brand it is. Right now, although I sometimes regale my long-suffering non-gamer friends with tales of the latest gear to drop from Kara, I do not actually pull up The World of Warcraft Armory and force them to look at my Cyclone Helm. Right now, I do not appear to bystanders to be speaking into an ice cream sandwich. Right now, I rarely, if ever, use the phrase "awesome new app." Right now, I would be surprised if using the phrase "awesome new app" in public did not result in mob justice. Right now, I understand that there is absolutely no reason for me to watch an episode of Dog the Bounty Hunter in the bathroom. In fact, I realize that the very fact that this is an option is, in some indefinable way, a sign that our civilization is doomed to collapse in flame and sorrow. So goodbye, non-iPhone Lore. It's nice having been you in a simpler world. These were the days. - - - Born helpless, nude and unable to provide for himself, Lore Sjöberg eventually overcame these handicaps to become a telecommunicator, a telecommuter and a teleconverter.

Reality TV's 'Bounty Hunters' Bail Out Mother Of Missing Orlando Toddler (AHN)

(AHN) - The mother of a missing Orlando toddler is likely to be released from jail Sunday when a California bounty hunter and his nephew, a bail bondsman, post the $500,000 bond. - Mon, 18 Aug 2008 11:06:49 GMT

Mother Of Missing Orlando Toddler To Be Bailed Out By Reality TV's 'Bounty Hunters' (AHN)

(AHN) - The mother of a missing Orlando toddler is likely to be released from jail Sunday when a California bounty hunter and his nephew, a bail bondsman, post the $500,000 bond. - Sat, 16 Aug 2008 10:02:57 GMT

10 Things You Should Have Bought at Comic-Con

: Photo: Jim Merithew/Wired.comSAN DIEGO -- You just made it home from Comic-Con and are looking forward to sleeping in your parents' basement and having something to eat other than a craptastic pretzel, but as you rummage through your ginormous swag bag you realize you got nothing but three lame television show T-shirts, a handful of temporary tattoos and a promotional poster. We don't want to rub it in your face, but instead of standing in line for hours to see the "Is Your Cylon Girlfriend Cheating on You?" panel in Room 907, you could have waited in line to take home one of these boutique baubles. Here are the 10 things you should have bought. Left: King Kun, designed by Jarvis and Bounty Hunter, created such a stir that gaggles of people had to be turned away. "Aesthetically, I think it's dope," said Jim Crawford, co-owner of Strangeco. "It's got a gorilla-gone-punk rock thing." King Kun sold for 75 greenbacks. : Photo: Jim Merithew/Wired.com"She's really cute," said Min Quach, of Los Angeles, as she eyeballed the Not for Sale sign on the final Tokidoki Geisha Doll at the Toy Toyko booth. "I came a little too late." They brought 400 to the show and 399 went home with someone new. : Photo: Jim Merithew/Wired.comThe Jumbo Machinder Stormtrooper prototype got all the hype at the Super 7 booth. "People are going crazy for it," said Brian Flynn, owner of Super 7. "People are going mental." When this bad boy is finally released he will have a weapon that fires, be on wheels and sell for a cool 300 smacks. "If people collect them, that's fine," said Flynn. "But we're making toys." The Stormtrooper will stand 24 inches tall and will be made at the same factory as the original Machinder Shogun Warrior. : Photo: Jim Merithew/Wired.comChris Yates' handcrafted jigsaw puzzle, "Bottle With a Bear Problem," was a collaboration with artist Andrew Bell. It brings together both the art crowd and the puzzle crowd, with Bell doing the design and Yates putting his production skills to work. It could have been yours for a mere 150 bucks. : Photo: Jim Merithew/Wired.comOho Rojo, in Oni Ojo colors, was an early sellout at the Gargamel booth. A collaboration between Gargamel and artist Martin Ontiveros, this piece was hand-sculpted and hand-painted in Japan and sold for 80 dineros. : Photo: Jim Merithew/Wired.com"Little is cute," says Patrick Ma, of IWG. The IWG Zipper Pull Danglies are all based on endangered species and could decorate your hoodies for $3.95 a pop. : Photo: Jim Merithew/Wired.com"It's a ninja with a moustache," said Kirby Kerr. "What more can you say?" The Ninjatown Macho Micro Plush from Shawnimals were available in orange or the more ninja-friendly black, and were flying off the table at 7 clams a piece. : Photo: Jim Merithew/Wired.comArtist Dez Einswell's take on Iron Man, seen here without its mask, is a follow-up to last year's Hulk, from STD Toys and XLarge. "That Iron Man's sick," said Ian Farr, of Las Vegas. And it could have been yours for 110 bullets. : Photo: Jim Merithew/Wired.comThe Beastlies are handcrafted polymer clay creatures brought into this world by L.A.-artist Leslie Levings. Show attendees were seen walking past the booth again and again, unable to forget the gaze of these little fellas. Then it was just a matter of time before they plunked down the 15-20 bones necessary to adopt one. : Photo: Jim Merithew/Wired.comKoiboto -- the fish person, or love friend, or fish friend depending on how you translate -- by artist Yoskay didn?t have any trouble selling out at the Munky King booth despite the fact that you could see his little private parts. "In my opinion it seems like the best in the show," said Jesse Gale, of Eugene, Oregon.